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  1. #21
    Cafe Conqueror X's Avatar
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    I can't be expected to read this.


    The Commander From Hell

    We The North








  2. #22
    Red Hero Rax's Avatar
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    Your friendship?
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  3. #23
    The Red Meister Milf of Milfs's Avatar
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    It was good.

    I have a character right?

  4. #24
    Red Hero Rax's Avatar
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    I need your name in the original thread if you want one



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  5. #25
    The Dragon of Katsurahama Nordlending's Avatar
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    I read it. If you have a wordpress I will follow you.


    The real world is cold! The real world doesn't care about spirit! You want to be a hero? Then play the part and die like every other Huntsman in history! As for me, I'll do what I do best: lie, steal, cheat and survive!

  6. #26
    Red Hero Rax's Avatar
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    Wordpress?.

    I just typed it in the normal TMF post box...

    And did you like it?



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  7. #27
    Red Hero Rax's Avatar
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    D you guys not like my first attempt?:carcry



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  8. #28
    Why should I read your shit, if you don't like me in the first place.


  9. #29
    It you're doing a 3rd person narrative, then you shouldn't take a character's perspective, like you kept referring to the people getting attacked as fodder, and I'm assuming that's how Ossa saw them? lol
    You should portray that fact by writing about their actions, instead of telling us out-right. It goes for everything else too.

    though, I think this is impressive effort. You're pretty imaginative.


  10. #30
    Red Hero Rax's Avatar
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    It's was until I introduced Rax



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  11. #31
    PIERCE THE HEAVENS Bold's Avatar
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    My guy seems pretty tough. Probably a high tier amongst the Temeffian characters.

    Nice start, Rax. I liked the read. Just a few small criticisms. You pay too much attention to numbers/statistics at times. It's good to be ambiguous about the size of objects. For instance the size of Darda and the registration grounds. Be a bit more subtle and concise with that stuff. i.e. The handle of his mug of ale was two and a half inches of solid steel which was like dough to Bondor's clenching fists which were now sparking with electricity could become The thick steel handle of Bondor's mug of ale was like dough in his clenched fist, which sparkled with electricity.

    Also, "You seemed strong at the displays today! You should form a party with me, Korgo!" sounds like the speaker was talking to Korgo, not Korgo introducing himself. A separate sentence where he says "I'm Korgo" would have been less confusing. Otherwise, good job. I like the quirks you gave to certain characters. They're pretty diverse and I like how they share some aspects as ourselves while still being creative.

    I'd appreciate it if you put a link to that thread where you said who is who within each chapter. It's convenient and it'll help me remember who certain people are. How often will chapters come out?

  12. #32
    Ichiryuu's Avatar
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    Oi RAX, why am I so weak. Even my durability is low when I can turn into things rougher than diamonds.

    RIP Chester, you'll always be loved and missed.




    The Gourmet Legion - President Ichiryuu
    Join The Toriko Club, Read Toriko here!

  13. #33
    Luka GODrić Kane's Avatar
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    Focus on developing a story and characters moreso than a UBD profile.

    - - - Updated - - -

    And where are my tats man

    When you say 2.5 tons of TNT there is no way in hell a casual reader will know how impressive that is, so put in parantheses to specify what it entails (capable of leveing a city block) so they have some sort of reference.
    Last edited by Kane; 06-13-2015 at 05:33 PM.




    Finalbeta's Final Meltdown
    Quote Originally Posted by Finalbeta View Post
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    And when the moon will be up I will still be on the group and when the sun then will rise I still will surprise. Make me join do it for me I'm a friend of yours please make me fucking join I need it. Too much freaking has been passed and I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried just in order to join

    Please my man please do it for me I need it I need I need it I need this I just need this make me join I fucking need it to continue my NF path from where it ended.

    This must happen

    Don't stop make it happen make it happen my dream

    Don't stop make it happeeeeeennm

    Don't stop make it happeeeeeeeeen

    I just need so for my life you have to fucking do it please help me

    I will do good I will do indeed good give me trust for once my man please I know you can do it? Of course you can. Please your heart is filled in kindness and I know that so help me I need it. I need your love I need your help and this is all the fuck I can prove to you please accept me in the group. Accept me at least once. Please.

  14. #34
    PIERCE THE HEAVENS Bold's Avatar
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    Yeah, focus on the story on character development and the story please.

  15. #35
    See you in the desert... Makenzye's Avatar
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    Like the others, the focus on metrics seems you are putting more thought into just how people fair in a battle mathematically than them as actual characters.

    And you cut off part of Cake's profile.

  16. #36
    The Dragon of Katsurahama Nordlending's Avatar
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    I liked it. Numbers and power levels are amusing to read.

    I guess I should find something to criticize to.

    You mentioned Stone Star level, but you didn't mentioned the connection between the stats and Stone Star level. You said the average was 4 Stone Star, but we don't know what the average stat level is. Its nothing big, but it bothers me a little.

    Also. Add a link at the bottom that leads to the prologue and chapter 2. Makes it easier for those who want to read the story in one go.
    Last edited by Nordlending; 06-13-2015 at 05:37 PM.


    The real world is cold! The real world doesn't care about spirit! You want to be a hero? Then play the part and die like every other Huntsman in history! As for me, I'll do what I do best: lie, steal, cheat and survive!

  17. #37
    Red Hero Rax's Avatar
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    You'll see why I needed those power levels and more in depth information about the atari levels is later on

    Also Skarner read what is says about your character please

    - - - Updated - - -

    Also the stats was really important. It is a means for people ti pick team mates



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  18. #38
    Luka GODrić Kane's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rax, The Legendary Hero View Post
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    You'll see why I needed those power levels and more in depth information about the atari levels is later on

    Also Skarner read what is says about your character please

    - - - Updated - - -

    Also the stats was really important. It is a means for people ti pick team mates
    Please tell me you are not gonna put everybody in teams




    Finalbeta's Final Meltdown
    Quote Originally Posted by Finalbeta View Post
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    And when the moon will be up I will still be on the group and when the sun then will rise I still will surprise. Make me join do it for me I'm a friend of yours please make me fucking join I need it. Too much freaking has been passed and I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried just in order to join

    Please my man please do it for me I need it I need I need it I need this I just need this make me join I fucking need it to continue my NF path from where it ended.

    This must happen

    Don't stop make it happen make it happen my dream

    Don't stop make it happeeeeeennm

    Don't stop make it happeeeeeeeeen

    I just need so for my life you have to fucking do it please help me

    I will do good I will do indeed good give me trust for once my man please I know you can do it? Of course you can. Please your heart is filled in kindness and I know that so help me I need it. I need your love I need your help and this is all the fuck I can prove to you please accept me in the group. Accept me at least once. Please.

  19. #39
    Red Hero Rax's Avatar
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    Not everyone

    Did you pay attention to where it said it was to help them if theythey wanted teams ?



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  20. #40
    Red Hero Rax's Avatar
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    Anymore thoughts?

    Aside from the starting stats, cause it was needed for the frame I'm going for at the beginning



    Your friendship?
    I'll take it!


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