CIVIL WAR II: FUCKNADO SHITAROOSo here we are. It's now been a month since Marvel decided to pound bleached urine and vomit it all back out with Civil War II. I was going to let this go, my hate over it just sort of boiling over here and there. I even told people who kept reaching out to me to not talk to me about it because it cranked up my blood pressure and sugar. Oh fuck no. I actually forgot Marvel had one more turd to squeeze out at the end of this diarrhea flash flood: Civil War II: The Oath. And that just really did it. That was all I could take before the feelings of hate and the burning beneath my skin forced me to write up an off-season Rant over this.
So I'm rereading all of this for you guys, and just let me say: If a genie came out and said in trade for shoving my penis into a blender they would rid this series from history? I'd do it.
So let the fucking hate explode and pour forth like the blood of the eyes who read this "Big Event".
Seeing as this was a huge event I need to break this down a little bit by little bit. Issue by issue. But I'm only sticking to the same series because I don't want to hurt myself too badly. And yeah, it's a partial review.
Civil War II #0
This issue starts out with She-Hulk talking about how people should not be persecuted for their thoughts, talking about how if someone hasn't done something then they shouldn't be held responsible of it. Later on she actually talks about how people shouldn't be punished before they do wrong. SHE FUCKING THEN GOES TO FIGHT THANOS THE MAD FUCKING TITAN OVER WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE BECAUSE A NEW INHUMAN SAYS IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!! You may say, "But Mak, Thanos is dangerous. Why wouldn't she?" And I would agree to it, but she goes on later to really betray these words. But in another issue. So immediately Walter's credibility is thrown into the same shitter that makes up Brian Bendis' diet. But it's not quite there yet. No, we get a shit ton of plodding around with Doc Sampson and Carol Danvers having an informal therapy session where Carol shows her worries and borderline mania and paranoia she has by basically telling Doc how she's ALWAYS worrying about disaster, that it's the ONLY thing going on in her head. The dialogue is dragged out an asinine that you cannot imagine actual people having these conversations. Who the fuck asks how someone is doing TWICE? Tells them why, and when the person asks what's going on the first person just says "Forget it."? NOBODY And it takes up an entire fucking page. I should probably be happy this takes place in a 0 issue.
Or I would.... IF DIDN'T COST FULL FUCKING PRICE MAKING IT THE UNOFFICIAL FIRST ISSUE IN THE MOTHER FUCKING SERIES.
So absolutely jack fucking shit happens in this issue. Literally NOTHING occurs in this issue. It's filler before the god damned event even STARTS. We are literally shown Jennifer spilling on for three pages in court, two pages of James Rhodes basically being offered the Secretary of Defense job as a primer of his importance or something leading into maybe Secret Society (none of it matters), two fucking pages of people talking about the Terrigen Cloud which is a concept we've been talking about for a year and in A HUNDRED OTHER COMICS, four pages of the Doc Sampson/Carol Danvers dance of blathering on, two more pages of the Director of fucking SHIELD telling Jennifer HOW SORRY SHE IS THAT JEN LOST THE CASE and how the client died, and finally four pages with Ulysses the McGuffin hatching and having a vision about NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY.
Holy fucking shit. That is literally 17 pages of jack shit going on with the story. This shit should have EXCLUSIVELY happened AT BEST in a side series, though it would be just as contemptible here. I've actually been told I should be happy... HAPPY... that it's in this one handy issue for 5 FUCKING DOLLARS. That's right. It's got that premium flavor. And that's the worst part. You're paying almost a dollar per 5 something pages of nothing going on. And there's so little that my complaints about it almost seem small. But the problem is... I COVERED THE ENTIRE ISSUE FOR YOU. It's that fucking awful. This should have been the FREE COMIC BOOK DAY COMIC. And to make it worse? There WAS a FCBD Comic for this very event.
So let's move on to the first issue, shall we?
For six dollars, or eight if you got the special edition, you can be treated to the likes of Civil War II #1. Some celestial monstrosity shows up and everybody feels Ulysses is justified because he predicted it and was the only thing that kept the world from becoming a wasteland. Yadda yadda yadda. Pretty basic stuff. So the dialogue at the after party. Again. Just so awful. From Bendis straight up forgetting that Rhodes is decked out in Extremis Era armor to Allison, a mutant, joking about how Wanda flat out destroyed the mutant population, or how Bendis keeps writing Tony in the most god awful manner he can. Then we get to the meat of it. Ulysses is revealed to be the source of the victory with predictive powers, and then a red flag goes up immediately: We have no clue how the kid's power works. Want to know what makes this awful? Ulysses' mind can't be read by the 16 year old Jean Grey, as it just shows as a blank to her and everybody. Don't stress it. Machines totally map out how this works later by magic. But for now, just know this instills (DUN DUN DUUUUN!!) Doubt.
Civil War II #1
Im-fucking-mediately Carol tries to recruit Ulysses, an Inhuman who lives in New Attilan if he wants to work with her. At the party. And Stark just as quickly decides to start an argument because Carol wants to put this kid to use right away. This is where the entire "Civil War" part actually starts. Carol wants predictive justice and Tony thinks time should be taken to understand Ulysses power before any action with him is taken. Stark even rationally puts it as Ulysses only predicts possible futures because if he predicted THE future the superheroes could not have won. DUN DUN DUUUUUN!! So instead of people just settling down and remembering they survived hell, they decide to just get into it with one another, and particularly from Captain Marvel to Iron Man. And if you're like me, you began to feel like, "Hey Mak, why does this feel manufactured? Why wouldn't the heroes, who've spent lifetimes together listen to one another?" And then you realize this IS manufactured bullshit. Especially when Stark throws a fucking 14 year old's shit fit about all of it. WHY?! Was this Stark's first disagreement with someone? He pointed out that he doesn't get into fights with Cap anymore, and showed he had the capacity to live and let live and then literally plays the pouting game and leaves.
So moving on, we see Stark getting a whole half page of fucking around when he's being told somethings happened to Rhodey. Stark storms off and learns that Rhodey dies. Oh, and it's about this time that I remembered about how issue 0 had him being offered a job as the Secretary of Defense as a job path to something bigger and better. Yeah, all that stuff we saw given to him to make it look like he's going to be a big player? Wasted so Stark can be angry with Carol. Why is Stark angry with Carol? Because Carol used the fucking Inhuman to predict Thanos was going to attack Earth for a cosmic cube (which Earth DOES have, and Maria Hill stays silent on and is never really talked about concerning this), and Rhodey died in the adventure and She-Hulk is put out of commission maybe permanently. Stark flips out and does the cliche, "YOU DON'T GET TO SAY HIS NAME!" about Rhodes to Carol, the woman Rhodes was doing the horizontal tango with, because I guess Stark loved him more? Oh, and Carol loves Stark, too? She means it in a platonic family way, but it's so fucking oddly put in there I couldn't understand it since she put it right in front of her apology like she cheated on Stark or something. Here, lemme give you a snippet.
Then Stark storms off and basically announces his plan about... I guess assassinating Ulysses? He just says he's going to make sure nobody plays god ever again. But it's after he asks where Thanos is, so maybe he was thinking he was going to kill Thanos and that would stop future prediction problems? It's just a shit written comic.
Oh yeah, right. One more thing. If you thought paying 5 bucks for issue 0 was bad before? Remember that issue 1 REVERSES EVERYTHING WE READ ABOUT CHARACTERS. Carol more or less remains the same because Bendis can barely write a strong female lead without her being horribly broken by her own emotions and impulses but seems a whole lot less concerned with the hows and whys of anything where before all she worries about are details. Rhodey is set up and then just killed women in refrigerators style. Oh, and what pissed me off most maybe? She-Hulk changes her position in this very issue. Remember in issue 0 where Jen was going on and on about how we can't put people away for nothing? She then ENCOURAGES Carol to stop Stark from preventing future prediction! Jesus fucking Christ!
Civil War #2
So with this we'll be one third of the way through. Now I'll give the last issue a little bit of credit. Remember when I was bitching Stark was fucking around? It was intentional foreshadowing for this very issue where STARK BREAKS INTO NEW ATTILAN AND KIDNAPS ULYSSES.
Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK?
Stark breaking the rules? Sure. Stark literally breaking people's bones to keep his technology out of people's hands? Yeah. But kidnapping kids? Too far. TOO FAR.
I also really like how Medusa is trying to get Stark to turn back then STARTS A FIGHT. It would be like if I started slamming Bendis' head in with a hammer for writing shitty ass comics right before I ask him not to do that, and when he gets a chance to agree? I cut him short with another hammer blow to the head. But it doesn't matter because Stark pretty much declared war on a country that lives in the fucking bay of New York City! And the dialogue. Again. UGH!! ALL MY FUCKING HATE!!!The layout is Stark then proceeds to basically threaten the guy to within an inch of his life until he can get some sort of scientific reading. You know, for the thing which doesn't operate as normal or through any normal means which is what he SCANS for. So the Inhumans are all mad and Carol gets a bunch of superheroes together and literally has Thor destroy an entire wall and tries to talk to Stark as a normal human being. WHY?!
If you are going to roll that fucking hard into something, why the FUCK would you then not press your advantage? And Stark's line is about how he's in mourning and having a nervous breakdown so poorly delivered you'd be forgiven for thinking it was an actor straight reading from a script while forgetting to act.
But don't you worry. Before ANYTHING can really happen. Before we can really see what makes this a big event? The kid has himself a little vision so the heroes can just ignore what the fuck they're fighting over.
And this is where we begin to see a pattern. Issue comes up? Stark walks out. Issue comes up? Ulysses has a vision that the Hulk is going to kill everybody. So what does everybody do? Well, they assume they have to go confront Bruce Banner. Together. I'm not fucking joking. Everybody just forgets Stark kidnapped and was going to beat on a kid because the kid has a vision of the Hulk killing them at some undetermined point in the future.
This also brings up a pretty big dillemma which I'll be addressing soon. And if you think I didn't put much effort or time into this issue? It's because neither did the staff.
Civil War II #3
So another wonderful issue where it starts off in a courtroom. So if there were any indication that someone died, but it was nobody on the "heroes" side, you need look no further than a completely recovered Carol Danvers giving testimony on the day everybody went to go poke the fucking gamma irradiated bear. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
"Let's back up," the comic says, "To the time when Carol and Tony just bust in out of the blue and start demanding to know what Bruce is up to." And I already begin to feel my FUCK YOU sense tingling. Stark joins her and they basically just start giving him questions and no explanations. And this is when I begin to remember, "Oh yeah, they're here to prevent a Hulk situation, right? They're worried Banner is gonna go full tilt and kill them all, right?" So with these two popping up just out of the blue and giving him stress, a KNOWN HULK TRIGGER, they invite him outside. But first, Stark let's know it's all gonna be okay and that's why he didn't bring his armor. And then? Well he walks Bruce outside to a LITERAL FUCKING ARMY OF SUPERHUMANS WHO ARE PISSED OFF LOOKING, backed up entirely by jets and at least one helicarrier. WHAT?!
They fucking know stress and surprise can generate a Hulk response, right? Sudden excitement? Fear? Those things? THEY ALL MAKE BRUCE BECOME THE HULK! WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?! Double glad they made sure to bring in the inexperienced kids to the fight as well. I guess they needed all hands on deck in case their show of aggression accidentally triggered a Hulk event?
See, this is the issue where it all starts to really come off the rails. The first three issues were garbage, but this is where the characterization and forethought become so bad you would THINK they're intentionally doing things the wrong way. But don't worry, it's explained away as Bruce being just confused. Confused why two heroes showed up out of the blue asking about if he's conducting gamma experiments, reassuring him it's all fine, and then facing him with a tremendous gathering of forces. Just confusion. Not shock. Not fear. Just confusion. And the layered dialogue between Stark and Carol? It's enough to make me wish the diabetes could take my eyesight faster.
And then, IN FRONT OF BRUCE, the group pretty much spells out how they think Bruce is going to kill them all and hack into his private servers and confront him with his research he tries to explain but nobody will listen about. THEN they tell him they want to arrest him. Look, I get this may have been wanting to be a self fulfilling prophecy bullshit (something we see in a tie in issue), but this is so completely fucking badly thought out that the only way this would happen is if Bendis and Marvel decided to snort coke off each other's dicks and write this shit while taking instructions on Rob Liefeld on how to write comics.
The best part is when everybody tries telling Bruce he needs to calm down. It's fucking LAUGHABLE. I actually laughed reading it, thinking it was some sort of joke. But the joke is on us, the readers. Either way, Hawkeye kills Bruce and claims he has superhuman eyesight and saw Bruce starting to turn. Spoiler Alert.
Then Stark blasts off at Danvers that she caused this when he was just as cuplable. Why didn't anybody think to send in Doc Sampson? Why did nobody think to send in an LMD? WHY DID ANYBODY DECIDE THIS WAS OKAY TO PRINT?!
WHY WAS TONY STARK LET GO AND BACK AT HIS HOUSE?! DID PEOPLE FORGET ONE FUCKING ISSUE AGO HE KIDNAPPED SOMEONE?! Pretty sure Bendis did. Or maybe because the Hulk was killed and everybody was happy about it that everybody who committed a crime in the past 48 hours just gets a pass no matter if it causes an international incident or not. NEXT.
Civil War #4
This is where I'm cutting it off. Pretty much in just under half. You'll find it funny, but this is a depleting effort. I get tired doing this stuff because my heart pounds until it's all done. And I'll be up later tonight bitching to myself about this still.
Also I have to go home from work now.