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Thread: Mak's Rants

  1. #141
    Skraawwk!! Makenzye's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by say-and-sing View Post
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    They seem a little late
    http://nomoreheroes.wikia.com/wiki/Bad_Girl

    yet no idea, if "Bad Girl" is just a rip-off. But yeah, the trailer seems a bit pushy. I guess I have to wait for your review.
    I don't think "Bad Girl" is a rip off since Quinn's been heading this way for quite some time but not as strongly as she had in the past five to eight years. I think crazed female lunatic is just a semi-popular trope. For Quinn, the first hints were all the way back in the 90's outside of the main continuity, but in the past ten years (and really a little before it) DC has been really trying to open her up to being her own solo self fitting the role of deranged humor lunatic.



  2. #142
    Skraawwk!! Makenzye's Avatar
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    Just couldn’t keep this one contained any longer. My blood pressures and sugars have been riding high for the past month because of it and this week just really brought it out with IGN.
    Get Me to the Shop on Time




    SPOILERS AHEAD FOR CIVIL WAR II


    Marvel, Marvel, Marvel. Why? WHY?
    There’s a good chance I’ve made mention of this elsewhere, but allow me to reiterate it here: Marvel sucks a barge of dicks when it comes to keeping a schedule with comic releases. It’s not exactly an uncommon problem in the comic industry (though Image has a way around it), but Marvel is by and large the worst offender of it. Of all the problems I have with video games getting yearly releases, I sometimes wish Marvel would hire the slave driver who ensures releases would come in with their whip and lash the backs of the executives to keep their asses in line.

    This is so fucking unacceptable I cannot begin to tell you how badly it fucks up story lines. Marvel already has such a hard time with continuity without doing everything they can to deflate their own storylines and confuse their pacing. This practice is so fucking bizarre since it literally lets the cat out of the bag sometimes months before it should while Marvel is still hyping the mysteries which are already spilled.

    Want an example? I have a perfect one: Civil War II and Iron Man in particular. Last chance. Don’t open if you don’t want to be spoiled.


    This is the cover to the final Civil War II issue due out at the end of December. There's a question about Iron Man's fate, especially with this picture.

    If you see this image and say, “Well Mak. This is daunting. What ever happened to him? I know covers can be misleading. Two months! I can hardly wait!” I’ll save you the time. We already have been told.

    Oh, that’s right. We already DO know what happened to him. He died. And we knew it a month ago. It wasn’t Alonso or Brevoort or Bendis or someone slipping the beans. Well, unless of course you mean Marvel slipped because they did. Last month in the first issue of the Infamous Iron Man they talked about Tony’s death. Civil War II was meant to end LAST MONTH before this.

    A FUCKING MONTH AGO!

    An entire month ago when Civil War II was originally supposed to end BEFORE the release of Infamous Iron Man should have been the revelation of Tony’s death, but it wasn’t. No, instead Marvel’s stupid assfuck scheduling issues cannot conceive of how to properly manage this shit and AGAIN they’ve completely spoiled the big ending of their series. We can say all we want delays were the leading cause and that’s something Marvel only has so much room for error on, but that’s not even the case. Civil War II was meant to be a 7 part series and was bumped up to 8 at the request of Bendis. (FUUUUUUCK) So Marvel clearly has some control of what goes out and when. They could have easily bumped all their series back a couple months and taken a small hit on sales, but no. Fuck that. Why sacrifice sales when you can just sacrifice your fans on it?

    “Well that’s certainly a big error Mak, but-“ Just stop there. Stop right there. “Let me finish. It’s not like Marvel does this often.” I so wish I could take a bat at the asshole who told me this in person because they are so fucking short on the memory my girlfriend’s grandmother with bad Alzheimer’s is better than that. Marvel ALWAYS does this.

    Rewind time to a year ago for Secret Wars. You know, that scampy little “Change everything for everybody” pre-All New All Different Marvel event that was meant to end in mid to late 2015 but didn’t end until January 2016 due to multiple delays? There was a ton of lead up speculation of what was going on with the Fantastic Four. There was no solicitations and the Thing and Johnny were slated to appear in different comics. So what about the Richards’ family? Were they lost against the threat of Doom like so many others? I dunno. Just pick up Guardians of the Galaxy in October and find out from the Thing himself. The Richards were more or less off doing something else. Not dead, not in peril, just not there. Holy shit, the fucking end of Secret Wars was pretty much devastated because of that. Tension gone. Intrigue zero. And keep in mind all the OTHER series were starting up within those few months Secret Wars was supposed to end completely ruining who made it and who didn’t. Fucking bonkers. They lost sales because of that. People were actually worn out (more so than normal) on Secret Wars that sales dropped off more than they should have. We knew the Superhuman Registration Act of Civil War was going to be in place and Stark “won” BEFORE the end of Civil War for the same damn reason.

    Now admittedly, no comic company will have a perfect release schedule. But Marvel has a loooong history of this. Anybody ever read Ultimate Hulk vs Wolverine? It took Marvel FOUR YEARS to get SIX ISSUES out. It was such a laugh that other writers in Marvel were poking fun at it in other books. It took Marvel over a full calendar year to get six issues of Iron Man Vol 4 out. That’s less than an issue every two months. They literally started a six issue storyline about the retelling of Iron Man and his rebirth with Extremis and spread it out as far as possible because they couldn’t get their shit together and have anything done ahead of time. First three issues out like clockwork month after month, then seven months till issue four, then five months till issue five, and then finally a relatively merciful two further months until issue six. And this isn’t exactly abnormal for Marvel. They are so bad about keeping time on this the “Marvel Method” has the added note of, “Release whenever it strikes your fancy” by this point.

    And the worst part? I’ve already said it: Marvel can control this. They don’t HAVE to do this. A storyline is submitted before it is greenlit, so it’s not like Marvel told someone to write twelve comics and wing it. They know full well what they’re supposed to be doing. So what does Marvel do? Release as it is being written. Every. Damn. Time. This wouldn’t be so bad for certain series like X-Men or Avengers or clearly Iron Man, but when it comes to their Big Fucking Events? This is inexcusable. They cannot keep having yearly Big Events and then fumbling so hard each and every fucking time. How long do they expect people to keep up with this shit? Marvel isn’t Call of Duty or The Walking Dead (who is suffering a backlash for a slightly related reason) and this is a model which cannot sustain. Comics as they stand are on the burst of another bubble and if they hope to remain relevant they cannot fuck with people like this. They also have a lot of other things to fix, but this is a big one. Because they have to ask themselves? Why should a reader buy the last issue of an event two months from now when they know the answer from last month?

    Oh yeah. Mark them up as collector’s items by plastering a metric ton of Variant Covers to them and claim you’re doing it for the fans.



    ALL MY HATE
    Last edited by Makenzye; 11-09-2016 at 07:50 PM.

  3. #143
    say-and-sing's Avatar
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    Finally, another rant!

    And fun as usual
    Makes me wonder how comic fans can keep doing that to themselves, being comic fans that is. Then again, manga has it's problems as well.


  4. #144
    Skraawwk!! Makenzye's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by say-and-sing View Post
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    Finally, another rant!

    And fun as usual
    Makes me wonder how comic fans can keep doing that to themselves, being comic fans that is. Then again, manga has it's problems as well.
    Well, this is still meant to be a more or less closed off bit until my reformatting of Mak's Rants is done. Plenty to vent off about, but I've never really been happy with how this works.


    And because comic fans are stupid ignorant dolts most of the time. We buy up whatever the companies sell at us in hopes it's a collector's item, or maybe just out of habit, or because we feel a story isn't complete without all of the issues.

  5. #145
    Skraawwk!! Makenzye's Avatar
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    And then Marvel releases another comic this week where they basically state Iron Man dies at the end of Civil War. Good thing there's still two issues of Civil War II not out yet!

  6. #146
    Skraawwk!! Makenzye's Avatar
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    Couldn't resist this.



    What the fuck, DC?

    No, seriously?

    Raising the price on your Rebirth comics?

    You know WHY Rebirth was so successful, right? Because not only did you have a ton of comics come out, but you lowered the price closer to their 90's level which allowed people to BUY these comics. By a flipping dollar?

    Wtf are you thinking? Did you learn nothing from your New 52 run and Marvel?

    Wtf CARES about a digital download code? If I wanted a digital comic, I'd go pay the full price (and I have a whole shit load of issues about THAT) on Comixology or ANYWHERE ELSE than on the front of your comic. I read the comic already. Why would I download it? Future viewing? I HAVE THE DAMN COMIC.

    "It's just fifteen of them." 15 fucking more dollars a month matters when that translates into at least 180 more bucks a year. And that's here in America. As others have pointed out that's considered relatively CHEAP for American comics. I can buy the entire first volume of Naruto for CHEAPER than that. And I cannot imagine you're going to launch any new titles for any less.

    And you are CHOKING THE WRONG FUCKING CHICKEN HERE. It's not even the fucking guaranteed sales titles. It's the ones which are "at-risk." I get that you definitely know you can't get away with doing this to your Wonder Woman, Flash, and Batman titles since they're twice monthly and you know people will balk at that. But these are your Batman Beyond, Supergirl, Trinity, Batgirl titles. I mean, Super Sons isn't even LAUNCHED yet and you're not giving it a good chance. New Super-Man? You thought that was a hard seller before? You pretty much guaranteed it won't last the year. Cyborg? Yeah, let's take your premier black hero and make sure to make him MORE expensive than his more relevant contemporaries. Fucking SUPERWOMAN? Good fucking job. You pretty much made sure these titles will eek out a few extra bucks from those who actually love them while ensuring fewer people are even going to give it a chance.

    Good fucking luck. I really loved your Rebirth titles, and it was clear the rest of the comic reading public did as well since for the first time in a long time you were outselling Marvel. But I guess maybe you were just afraid of success and didn't want the pressure of being number one again? Good comics at good prices is a fucking dream. You hate online piracy? You sure don't seem like you do.
    Last edited by Makenzye; 01-18-2017 at 03:15 PM.

  7. #147
    Skraawwk!! Makenzye's Avatar
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    CIVIL WAR II: FUCKNADO SHITAROO

    So here we are. It's now been a month since Marvel decided to pound bleached urine and vomit it all back out with Civil War II. I was going to let this go, my hate over it just sort of boiling over here and there. I even told people who kept reaching out to me to not talk to me about it because it cranked up my blood pressure and sugar. Oh fuck no. I actually forgot Marvel had one more turd to squeeze out at the end of this diarrhea flash flood: Civil War II: The Oath. And that just really did it. That was all I could take before the feelings of hate and the burning beneath my skin forced me to write up an off-season Rant over this.



    So let the fucking hate explode and pour forth like the blood of the eyes who read this "Big Event".




    Seeing as this was a huge event I need to break this down a little bit by little bit. Issue by issue. But I'm only sticking to the same series because I don't want to hurt myself too badly. And yeah, it's a partial review.



    Civil War II #0

    So I'm rereading all of this for you guys, and just let me say: If a genie came out and said in trade for shoving my penis into a blender they would rid this series from history? I'd do it.

    This issue starts out with She-Hulk talking about how people should not be persecuted for their thoughts, talking about how if someone hasn't done something then they shouldn't be held responsible of it. Later on she actually talks about how people shouldn't be punished before they do wrong. SHE FUCKING THEN GOES TO FIGHT THANOS THE MAD FUCKING TITAN OVER WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE BECAUSE A NEW INHUMAN SAYS IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!! You may say, "But Mak, Thanos is dangerous. Why wouldn't she?" And I would agree to it, but she goes on later to really betray these words. But in another issue. So immediately Walter's credibility is thrown into the same shitter that makes up Brian Bendis' diet. But it's not quite there yet. No, we get a shit ton of plodding around with Doc Sampson and Carol Danvers having an informal therapy session where Carol shows her worries and borderline mania and paranoia she has by basically telling Doc how she's ALWAYS worrying about disaster, that it's the ONLY thing going on in her head. The dialogue is dragged out an asinine that you cannot imagine actual people having these conversations. Who the fuck asks how someone is doing TWICE? Tells them why, and when the person asks what's going on the first person just says "Forget it."? NOBODY And it takes up an entire fucking page. I should probably be happy this takes place in a 0 issue.

    Or I would.... IF DIDN'T COST FULL FUCKING PRICE MAKING IT THE UNOFFICIAL FIRST ISSUE IN THE MOTHER FUCKING SERIES.

    So absolutely jack fucking shit happens in this issue. Literally NOTHING occurs in this issue. It's filler before the god damned event even STARTS. We are literally shown Jennifer spilling on for three pages in court, two pages of James Rhodes basically being offered the Secretary of Defense job as a primer of his importance or something leading into maybe Secret Society (none of it matters), two fucking pages of people talking about the Terrigen Cloud which is a concept we've been talking about for a year and in A HUNDRED OTHER COMICS, four pages of the Doc Sampson/Carol Danvers dance of blathering on, two more pages of the Director of fucking SHIELD telling Jennifer HOW SORRY SHE IS THAT JEN LOST THE CASE and how the client died, and finally four pages with Ulysses the McGuffin hatching and having a vision about NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY.

    Holy fucking shit. That is literally 17 pages of jack shit going on with the story. This shit should have EXCLUSIVELY happened AT BEST in a side series, though it would be just as contemptible here. I've actually been told I should be happy... HAPPY... that it's in this one handy issue for 5 FUCKING DOLLARS. That's right. It's got that premium flavor. And that's the worst part. You're paying almost a dollar per 5 something pages of nothing going on. And there's so little that my complaints about it almost seem small. But the problem is... I COVERED THE ENTIRE ISSUE FOR YOU. It's that fucking awful. This should have been the FREE COMIC BOOK DAY COMIC. And to make it worse? There WAS a FCBD Comic for this very event.

    So let's move on to the first issue, shall we?


    Civil War II #1

    For six dollars, or eight if you got the special edition, you can be treated to the likes of Civil War II #1. Some celestial monstrosity shows up and everybody feels Ulysses is justified because he predicted it and was the only thing that kept the world from becoming a wasteland. Yadda yadda yadda. Pretty basic stuff. So the dialogue at the after party. Again. Just so awful. From Bendis straight up forgetting that Rhodes is decked out in Extremis Era armor to Allison, a mutant, joking about how Wanda flat out destroyed the mutant population, or how Bendis keeps writing Tony in the most god awful manner he can. Then we get to the meat of it. Ulysses is revealed to be the source of the victory with predictive powers, and then a red flag goes up immediately: We have no clue how the kid's power works. Want to know what makes this awful? Ulysses' mind can't be read by the 16 year old Jean Grey, as it just shows as a blank to her and everybody. Don't stress it. Machines totally map out how this works later by magic. But for now, just know this instills (DUN DUN DUUUUN!!) Doubt.

    Im-fucking-mediately Carol tries to recruit Ulysses, an Inhuman who lives in New Attilan if he wants to work with her. At the party. And Stark just as quickly decides to start an argument because Carol wants to put this kid to use right away. This is where the entire "Civil War" part actually starts. Carol wants predictive justice and Tony thinks time should be taken to understand Ulysses power before any action with him is taken. Stark even rationally puts it as Ulysses only predicts possible futures because if he predicted THE future the superheroes could not have won. DUN DUN DUUUUUN!! So instead of people just settling down and remembering they survived hell, they decide to just get into it with one another, and particularly from Captain Marvel to Iron Man. And if you're like me, you began to feel like, "Hey Mak, why does this feel manufactured? Why wouldn't the heroes, who've spent lifetimes together listen to one another?" And then you realize this IS manufactured bullshit. Especially when Stark throws a fucking 14 year old's shit fit about all of it. WHY?! Was this Stark's first disagreement with someone? He pointed out that he doesn't get into fights with Cap anymore, and showed he had the capacity to live and let live and then literally plays the pouting game and leaves.

    So moving on, we see Stark getting a whole half page of fucking around when he's being told somethings happened to Rhodey. Stark storms off and learns that Rhodey dies. Oh, and it's about this time that I remembered about how issue 0 had him being offered a job as the Secretary of Defense as a job path to something bigger and better. Yeah, all that stuff we saw given to him to make it look like he's going to be a big player? Wasted so Stark can be angry with Carol. Why is Stark angry with Carol? Because Carol used the fucking Inhuman to predict Thanos was going to attack Earth for a cosmic cube (which Earth DOES have, and Maria Hill stays silent on and is never really talked about concerning this), and Rhodey died in the adventure and She-Hulk is put out of commission maybe permanently. Stark flips out and does the cliche, "YOU DON'T GET TO SAY HIS NAME!" about Rhodes to Carol, the woman Rhodes was doing the horizontal tango with, because I guess Stark loved him more? Oh, and Carol loves Stark, too? She means it in a platonic family way, but it's so fucking oddly put in there I couldn't understand it since she put it right in front of her apology like she cheated on Stark or something. Here, lemme give you a snippet.





    Then Stark storms off and basically announces his plan about... I guess assassinating Ulysses? He just says he's going to make sure nobody plays god ever again. But it's after he asks where Thanos is, so maybe he was thinking he was going to kill Thanos and that would stop future prediction problems? It's just a shit written comic.

    Oh yeah, right. One more thing. If you thought paying 5 bucks for issue 0 was bad before? Remember that issue 1 REVERSES EVERYTHING WE READ ABOUT CHARACTERS. Carol more or less remains the same because Bendis can barely write a strong female lead without her being horribly broken by her own emotions and impulses but seems a whole lot less concerned with the hows and whys of anything where before all she worries about are details. Rhodey is set up and then just killed women in refrigerators style. Oh, and what pissed me off most maybe? She-Hulk changes her position in this very issue. Remember in issue 0 where Jen was going on and on about how we can't put people away for nothing? She then ENCOURAGES Carol to stop Stark from preventing future prediction! Jesus fucking Christ!



    Civil War #2

    So with this we'll be one third of the way through. Now I'll give the last issue a little bit of credit. Remember when I was bitching Stark was fucking around? It was intentional foreshadowing for this very issue where STARK BREAKS INTO NEW ATTILAN AND KIDNAPS ULYSSES.

    Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK?

    Stark breaking the rules? Sure. Stark literally breaking people's bones to keep his technology out of people's hands? Yeah. But kidnapping kids? Too far. TOO FAR.

    I also really like how Medusa is trying to get Stark to turn back then STARTS A FIGHT. It would be like if I started slamming Bendis' head in with a hammer for writing shitty ass comics right before I ask him not to do that, and when he gets a chance to agree? I cut him short with another hammer blow to the head. But it doesn't matter because Stark pretty much declared war on a country that lives in the fucking bay of New York City! And the dialogue. Again. UGH!! ALL MY FUCKING HATE!!!The layout is Stark then proceeds to basically threaten the guy to within an inch of his life until he can get some sort of scientific reading. You know, for the thing which doesn't operate as normal or through any normal means which is what he SCANS for. So the Inhumans are all mad and Carol gets a bunch of superheroes together and literally has Thor destroy an entire wall and tries to talk to Stark as a normal human being. WHY?!

    If you are going to roll that fucking hard into something, why the FUCK would you then not press your advantage? And Stark's line is about how he's in mourning and having a nervous breakdown so poorly delivered you'd be forgiven for thinking it was an actor straight reading from a script while forgetting to act.

    But don't you worry. Before ANYTHING can really happen. Before we can really see what makes this a big event? The kid has himself a little vision so the heroes can just ignore what the fuck they're fighting over.


    And this is where we begin to see a pattern. Issue comes up? Stark walks out. Issue comes up? Ulysses has a vision that the Hulk is going to kill everybody. So what does everybody do? Well, they assume they have to go confront Bruce Banner. Together. I'm not fucking joking. Everybody just forgets Stark kidnapped and was going to beat on a kid because the kid has a vision of the Hulk killing them at some undetermined point in the future.

    This also brings up a pretty big dillemma which I'll be addressing soon. And if you think I didn't put much effort or time into this issue? It's because neither did the staff.


    Civil War II #3

    So another wonderful issue where it starts off in a courtroom. So if there were any indication that someone died, but it was nobody on the "heroes" side, you need look no further than a completely recovered Carol Danvers giving testimony on the day everybody went to go poke the fucking gamma irradiated bear. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.

    "Let's back up," the comic says, "To the time when Carol and Tony just bust in out of the blue and start demanding to know what Bruce is up to." And I already begin to feel my FUCK YOU sense tingling. Stark joins her and they basically just start giving him questions and no explanations. And this is when I begin to remember, "Oh yeah, they're here to prevent a Hulk situation, right? They're worried Banner is gonna go full tilt and kill them all, right?" So with these two popping up just out of the blue and giving him stress, a KNOWN HULK TRIGGER, they invite him outside. But first, Stark let's know it's all gonna be okay and that's why he didn't bring his armor. And then? Well he walks Bruce outside to a LITERAL FUCKING ARMY OF SUPERHUMANS WHO ARE PISSED OFF LOOKING, backed up entirely by jets and at least one helicarrier. WHAT?!

    They fucking know stress and surprise can generate a Hulk response, right? Sudden excitement? Fear? Those things? THEY ALL MAKE BRUCE BECOME THE HULK! WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?! Double glad they made sure to bring in the inexperienced kids to the fight as well. I guess they needed all hands on deck in case their show of aggression accidentally triggered a Hulk event?

    See, this is the issue where it all starts to really come off the rails. The first three issues were garbage, but this is where the characterization and forethought become so bad you would THINK they're intentionally doing things the wrong way. But don't worry, it's explained away as Bruce being just confused. Confused why two heroes showed up out of the blue asking about if he's conducting gamma experiments, reassuring him it's all fine, and then facing him with a tremendous gathering of forces. Just confusion. Not shock. Not fear. Just confusion. And the layered dialogue between Stark and Carol? It's enough to make me wish the diabetes could take my eyesight faster.

    And then, IN FRONT OF BRUCE, the group pretty much spells out how they think Bruce is going to kill them all and hack into his private servers and confront him with his research he tries to explain but nobody will listen about. THEN they tell him they want to arrest him. Look, I get this may have been wanting to be a self fulfilling prophecy bullshit (something we see in a tie in issue), but this is so completely fucking badly thought out that the only way this would happen is if Bendis and Marvel decided to snort coke off each other's dicks and write this shit while taking instructions on Rob Liefeld on how to write comics.

    The best part is when everybody tries telling Bruce he needs to calm down. It's fucking LAUGHABLE. I actually laughed reading it, thinking it was some sort of joke. But the joke is on us, the readers. Either way, Hawkeye kills Bruce and claims he has superhuman eyesight and saw Bruce starting to turn. Spoiler Alert.

    Then Stark blasts off at Danvers that she caused this when he was just as cuplable. Why didn't anybody think to send in Doc Sampson? Why did nobody think to send in an LMD? WHY DID ANYBODY DECIDE THIS WAS OKAY TO PRINT?!

    WHY WAS TONY STARK LET GO AND BACK AT HIS HOUSE?! DID PEOPLE FORGET ONE FUCKING ISSUE AGO HE KIDNAPPED SOMEONE?! Pretty sure Bendis did. Or maybe because the Hulk was killed and everybody was happy about it that everybody who committed a crime in the past 48 hours just gets a pass no matter if it causes an international incident or not. NEXT.



    Civil War #4




    This is where I'm cutting it off. Pretty much in just under half. You'll find it funny, but this is a depleting effort. I get tired doing this stuff because my heart pounds until it's all done. And I'll be up later tonight bitching to myself about this still.

    Also I have to go home from work now.



    STAY TUNED!!

  8. #148
    Winter is cumming Nyx's Avatar
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    Comics + Mak rants= book
    @Makenzye;

    Make a whole book of all of them rants and try to get it published

    If you want of course..

    Gonna read these now

  9. #149
    Skraawwk!! Makenzye's Avatar
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    Holy shit, I hated CWII so much I just straight up didn't finish this. lol



  10. #150
    Red Hero Rax, The Hero From Beyond's Avatar
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    That's the one with Captain Marvel isn't it?




    Your friendship?
    I'll take it!


  11. #151
    Skraawwk!! Makenzye's Avatar
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    I forgot to finish this dreck, but I probably should.

    Oh God.

    I went back to get some images for this issue I can't just do the short spurts I was trying for before. This is when Civil War II took a slide down the shit ramp.
    Civil War II #4

    Let’s start the fuck off with one of the opening bits of a big image showing Stark and Danvers facing off with one side saying “Protect the Future” for Stark and “Change the Future” for Danvers. The implications are massive and completely stupid. One assumes that Stark has never been a proponent of change despite the fact he’s made all of his money changing the future, has spent dozens of storylines actively working behind the scenes to change the future to his liking, and pretty much doing everything in his power to change outcomes to something favorable and thereby protecting it. Danvers’ “Changing the Future,” straight up implies she just wants a different future regardless of the outcome and has jack all care for protecting it like some sort of chaotic world ender or something. The fact of the matter is neither one of them desire to harm or to allow bad stuff down the line from occurring and again this one image highlights the confusion Marvel had going into this bullshit and what happens when you let Bendis go too far with something and then try editorial oversight. It doesn’t work. The fight it supposed to be about how the superhero community manages itself and what oversight it gives itself and the world is acceptable. And I’ve already covered that Tony normally would be all for abusing the shit out of this guy and Danvers would most likely be on his side, but this event and image portray just how out of focus and out of character these two are behaving. So now on to page 2 of the comic.

    Hawkeye has turned himself in and oh boy, do we immediately get to go to Carol and Jen going Bendis talk on one another so a big reveal can be made and the dialogue is as clunky as ever.

    No, seriously. “Bruce Banner? My cousin Bruce Banner?” Jen asks this question to Captain Marvel in a hospital bed while there is zero humor or sarcasm abound in the scene outside of a beat down She-Hulk herself. And then Carol fills in Jen that Hawkeye has been put on trial and how a verdict has been handed down in what must have been the longest a Hulk has ever been out of commission or the shortest a jury could be assembled, a court date set, and entire deliberations handled. Seriously. Jen was out maybe ~MAYBE~ a week to a month. I really hate it when fiction asks me to assume timetables are some super fluid bullshit thing while doing jack all to fix itself and so this just sorta pisses me off because I’m not going to make excuses for their asses. It’s THEIR job to make their story make sense, not mine. That’s like telling someone bitching about the holes in the road is their individual problem because they don’t personally fill them in to make it smoother for everybody. And time spent is easily the one that pisses me off the most because of it. Either way, it’s meant to be the big reveal (and something I really have a problem with on a higher level concerning this series) that She-Hulk was apparently killed and buried at Pet Semetary and brought back to the hospital because her Hulk transformation didn’t come back quite right and now her rage and lack of control were emphasized. So why the hell is she humorous before? Apparently a beat down from Thanos comes with added transformation to established biology and weird rule breaking characterization in a single issue. Or maybe Hawkeye getting off the hook fundamentally changes how She-Hulk’s powers work? Oh I know! Maybe she was infected by the Ultimate Hulk who gets angrier and more stupid at the same time? I can’t wait till the next time when people try merging this Hulk and her previous Hulk persona together and we get Lawyer Hulk. SHE DOESN’T HAVE THIS AS A PROBLEM WITH HER POWERSET. Whatever, this is more an editorial decision and one I’d almost get behind- Sorry, an issue for another time.

    So now the media is talking about how the world has NEVER BEFORE SEEN a superhero on trial for this sort of thing before and that the legal system and America in general are on the same page that if you kill someone not in self-defense but is generally disliked by the public then you have broken no laws. This has two effects: One, that we don’t have to see the case (thank God in some ways) so we have no clue what the fuck the courts were trying to convict Barton for, and I’m going to assume self-defense. Two, that Hawkeye is now one of the most popular superheroes in the world for some reason for straight up killing a nuisance and all I can think about is another huge comic that used this as a backstory as to why superheroes lost their way and how shitty comics became in the 90’s. And then I really fucking wish I was reading THAT comic because it had a focused tone, great characterization, fun action, and was generally enjoyable and didn’t make me wish I was fucking a cactus instead. This is a small part but I really wanted to harp about how fucking ridiculous the legal system is in comics. It’s all or fucking nothing to them. Either we pass a law banning superheroes and send armies after them or we just let them kidnap and kill one another and the courts are cool with it. Oh, except for the unlimited powers the military seems to have over regular civilians for some reason. Carol can hold people indefinitely under suspicion of an unproven crime prediction superhuman who somehow has legally gotten the OK to operate as the one stop method for busting crime. A system the humans don’t actually know about. WHY DOES CAROL HAVE THIS POWER AND WHY IS SHE SUCH A DICK ABOUT IT? Was it because the courts decided when you get “Captain” in your super name you have unlimited rights and authority? Does Carol need to prove just how big and bad she is? Is it because she somehow falls under some super Patriot Act that only exists now? Is it because Bendis has no fucking clue what he’s doing because he’s too busy pissing into his own mouth?


    What is she going to tell you that won't make you put her ass in Super Gitmo? "Yeah, I was gonna bomb the building for HYDRA!" "You're free to go, ma'am."


    So now we reach the end meat of this issue and Jesus Christ I would rather have my teeth ripped right the fuck out.

    Enter scene: Tony Stark is slumped against the wall of a dark room wearing his armor with no helmet, head in his hand with sorrow filling his voice. “I am so lost. I need your help,” he starts. “This-This Ulysses guy. I know you think I’m being overdramatic about him. I know some think I’m lashing out at Danvers because I can’t get over what happened to Rhodey… Or Banner… And maybe that’s true. But it doesn’t mean I’m wrong.”

    Stark goes on to talk about to a mysterious group about how Ulysses doesn’t really see the future as much as interpret information and predict possible outcomes of the future showing examples where predictive telling has failed, and-

    WHAT. THE. FUCK? (I was legit confused whether I should put a period before the question mark, but it looks weird either way.)

    No, seriously. What the fuck? Did nobody tell Bendis this was literally what drove the SHRA of the last Civil War? Disaster followed by infighting all fueled by someone predicting when bad things were happening via algorithm? Did Marvel just straight up repeat Civil War and somehow make it even more out of character and even worse? Recap last Civil War: Heroes accidentally blow up a school and the public isn’t happy with their individual actions putting them in danger (which is the only difference), then they start to talk about what they did wrong and how they need to do better to predict and respond to future problems, then it turns out Reed Richards had been using fictional math he read in a novel to predict when humans would just overthrow superhumans and be tired of their shit while predicting when violence was going to occur. The only difference is one is focused on the first was focused on the outcome and what being a hero was while the second is focusing on the events and what ego does. That and how accepting the public has become with superheroes arbitrarily killing people.

    Oh, and my second issue? ULYSSES WAS STATED TO NOT WORK THIS WAY. The first appearances basically laid out that Ulysses doesn’t just process information but was somehow actually divining the future. Worse yet, in a single fucking event his powers were introduced AND changed into a plot hole. How the FUCK did he predict a celestial invasion from outside our dimension if he’s only processing our (and let’s be super fucking generous) universe? He couldn’t. So either his powers work in an unknown way or they’re just basically a computer which glitches and somehow can now interpret data it doesn’t have. Maybe his secondary powers allow him to interpret metaphysical data from beyond the veil of our understanding? I don’t know. It’s barely alluded that Ulysses somehow processes energy (as data) from multiple sources, some of which are unknown to Stark. So maybe some of that is interdimensional and magical? Who knows? This is the fucking Nick Fury whisper all fucking over again. Just enough to have it make sense right then and there while still making no fucking sense at all. Stark would KNOW dimensional energy frequencies and recognize the inconsistencies magic brings his scanners. How? He spent forty years uttering the line, “I hate magic,” as his fucking catchphrase. Ulysses just goes from straight functional prediction to data processing, and while doing that completely destroys the entire concept behind why Carol is so fucking hardline about all this. The crux was Stark feels we shouldn’t be beholden to visions of our future and we are masters of our own destiny while Ulysses has infallible visions of the future. So what happens if they’re not all infallible? IT DESTROYS THE ARGUMENT. This is why cops don’t just kick down doors of people they somewhat suspect or are told are doing crime and instead have to prove it. Carol immediately loses the high ground because Bendis forgot you don’t swallow a suppository and vomited out this shit instead onto his desktop after hitting the crack pipe. Seriously, this is presented as a no middle ground fucking argument.

    And then BAM! Stark talks about how he won’t press his issue any further if Captain America says it is a bad idea and suddenly I find myself sitting back in my chair and just wondering what the fuck I’m doing with my life. I honestly think spending time at 1 AM watching the women’s national Cornhole championship was time better spent. Then Stark realizes he’s talking shit about an Inhuman and then refers to Medusa’s people as “those people,” doesn’t refer to her by name, and then reminds everybody that the Inhumans went after him but forgets to tell them he fucking kidnapped one of them from their home and then sent an Iron Legion after New Attilan? Then Carol wants McCoy to review Stark’s data so she can “trust it,” McCoy confirms Stark’s findings, and Carol then basically doubles down on her original position.

    Carol also does a shit awful job of defending her position. “What am I going to do? A person come up to you and says: That guy over there has a gun and he said he’s about to open fire. Do you go check it out or do you say to yourself: Well, I’ll wait until he opens fire to see if the first guy was right?” And it’s the world’s worst fucking analogy I have seen in a comic in some time. That’s WAAAAAAY different from what she’s doing, because the BIG difference is someone told her that guy has a gun and THINKS the other guy is going to open fire next week and Danvers needs to beat the shit out of him today to prevent it. The CORRECT analogy should’ve been to WWII and how Germany might be creating problems derived from intelligence reports and how others should be getting ready. Though Carol’s response would’ve been, “We nuke them before they invade Poland.” THERE IS NO FUCKING MIDDLE GROUND HERE.

    WHY IS THERE NO MIDDLE GROUND?

    Why doesn’t someone raise their hand and say, “Well, using Ulysses isn’t the problem. It’s how we use him that is.” Instead Stark throws out percentages of how comfortable Carol would be in engaging in plans of action and she says basically the Thanos risk even at 10% was good enough for her, but that’s with the power of hindsight that the story hadn’t decided Ulysses’ powers don’t’ work all the time yet. And seriously, this I think is some sort of unwitting stealth shout out to how when two people start yelling at one another, it doesn’t matter who is wrong both parties retreat further and further into their own absurdity and never learn the fucking lesson they should be. And then Bendis decides he’s just going to fuck up Carol some more by having her bring out Stark’s best friend into the argument, who Stark says he’d love to ask if he wasn’t dead, and then Carol just smashes her way out of the building after threatening Stark. Granted Rhodey was Carol’s boyfriend, but she should know damn well Stark was going to spit on that one. And nobody does anything. They actually sort of side with Carol a bit. It’s just this bizarre mess where Rogers says Stark isn’t all wrong, McCoy questions if it’s Stark’s place to question this at all, and when Stark says he has to alert the public that people might just be getting busted on the pretense of infallible prediction that isn’t completely infallible, Medusa wonders if Tony actually has to let people know.

    And if you thought the issue ended there? Well no way, because the LAST issue had a really big stupid meetup which resulted in needless violence so why not do it twice?!?! Nightcrawler teleports in and teleports out someone who was falsely incarcerated, and he knew about this and where she was held and all the handwaved stuff to make Carol say, “FUCK IT! I’m arresting Stark NOW!” And then she’s told she doesn’t have to find Stark because he’s outside with his superhuman army ready to fucking rumble.

    I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING PUBLIC ABOUT THIS?!?! WHY IS HE SHOWING UP FOR A FIGHT?! What was his plan? Beat her up and put her in front of a camera? Maybe beating her up was going to prove to the public he was right?


    No sir, only YOU warned her. How the hell did you get the rest of these people rounded up so fast? Why is Mjolnir the size of a television now? Maybe Carol using the roof to exit was where these heroes drew the line? Is Riri really a great choice here? How many Captain Americas need to show up before you consider you're going the wrong way on this? Granted this is the yet to be known Hydra Cap, but Sam Cap isn't corrupted.

    My favorite part is while Carol had some powerful superhumans with her, Stark tells her she’s outgunned, and then Carol says she’s not quite outgunned because… Guess why? I’ll give you a hint. A team the year before this got a movie which was -really- popular. If you guessed she brought the Guardians of the Galaxy to the fight and that was going to even the odds? You guessed right. How the hell are they the big threat for Carol when you have Carol and Blue Marvel? HE should’ve been the deciding factor when the Avengers are composed of Thor, Vision, and Iron Man. The GotG would bounce harmlessly off of Thor and then she’d just fry their asses. Also, why is the Thing involved again? He's made it perfectly clear time and time again he'd rather just stay out of this shit.

    Either way, I’ll never forget the dialogue between Carol and Hill which basically had Carol say, “She was teleported out, it was Nightcrawler,” and Hill asked, “The X-Man?” HOW MANY FUCKING TELEPORTERS NAMED NIGHTCRAWLER DO YOU DEAL WITH?


    You mean the X-Men's Nightcrawler? You think? NO WAY!



  12. #152
    Skraawwk!! Makenzye's Avatar
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    Civil War II #5

    Let’s just jump in, shall we?

    I’ll be up front in saying since this was a more action heavy issue it isn’t as bad. Emphasis on “as bad.” But it doesn’t make this issue good, because it’s definitely not. See, I should note that at this point Civil War II had it's back half completely rewritten (well, not completely) because the ending was not considered good or satisfying or something. This somehow adds an extra issue (issue 7 if I remember), and this comic was meant to set up the beginning of the end of this series. Read on to see if the House of Ideas accomplished that goal.

    So last we left Team Stark and Team Danvers were facing off, and Tony is claiming there was no choice left in the matter. That action must be taken against her before it goes too far. Bizarre that Ulysses didn’t see this comic, but whatever. His powers are as the plot demands them to work.

    The fight itself is just a big rumpus, and really it lends itself to the problem superheroes increasingly have (and Daredevil pointed out once): There’s just way too much cordial talking. In one scene Stark and Danvers are having a conversation that is waaaaay more wordy than would be in an aerial dog fight. I mean, damn my rants and just posting in general can be pretty fucking long winded but it’s so damn out of place here. This should've been talked about before Carol made a skylight at the apparently broken and abandoned building superheroes make decisions in.




    Stark goes on to say he prepared for this without upsetting the natural order or killing other heroes. Which is a really odd comment to make when you’re arguing against someone who is attempting to do the same thing in a not dissimilar way. It’s not like Carol set out to kill other heroes or needlessly sacrifice them, and so Tony’s point just falls uncharacteristically flat here. It’s not like his method wasn’t going to cause her to crash down and kill someone or cause her to fly into a rampage. We DO know Carol’s powers are subject to alter her perception and can change her tactics accordingly.

    So the part which pisses me off the most? Dr. Strange’s part oddly enough. He’s fighting the X-Men, claiming he finds it odd to find them there and he’s not wrong if he means that because predictive profiling is an anti-mutant sort of thing and it’s just bizarre they’d be all for it but it’s never elaborated on (Thank God). He should’ve just said, “I figured you’d be against this sort of thing,” while he’s whipping out his Crimson Bands of Cyttorak. That upset me? Nah. Storm breaking out of them with regular fucking lightning does, though. This is one of many instances that Bendis sort of forgets how characters he doesn’t read on but only has a very scant general idea operates.

    “But Mak,” you squeal, “Isn’t Ororo tied to magic? Couldn’t her powers be divine via Bast?” Sure. Why not? But there’s NOTHING to indicate this is what happened. She just breaks free and sends Strange flying. And really this scene just drives me insane because of how it’s all played out with the bands being destroyed physically, which they cannot be.

    If there was one thing this issue did right? It was putting in one line of dialogue that should’ve been in the first Civil War. Quick recap, the first Civil War could’ve been summed up as “Heart vs Brain,” where the brainiacs desired “control” and those who were more “heart” desired “freedom.” This is actually full on display here when Blue Marvel for some reason has to tell Luke Cage, “I’m a fucking doctor in theoretical physics! I’m a damn engineer! I went to Cornell! Don’t you think maybe, just maybe, you’re not thinking this through?! I’m a doctor, dammit!” And while he doesn’t say it quite that way, it’s clear that’s how he feels. Cage says he doesn’t really think so because the whole fight somehow was a setup for Nova to blast Blue Marvel in the face and then I’m suddenly reminded again that Bendis has no clue who the hell Blue Marvel is, either. Even though Blue shook it right off and chased Nova into space and blew away Luke Cage, it just comes off as pretty stupid. Now I’ve heard some people really bitch and moan about the potential race factor in this exchange, and on some level I can’t blame them. The writer isn’t well known for things like subtlety or good writing or understanding complex relationships and so I can see where people might think there’s more going on in this scene than there may be. The idea is Blue Marvel is a “smart black guy” trying to show a “not smart black guy” that he’s smarter and it comes off as patronizing. It would come off as patronizing either way, but that doesn’t matter because since its two black people it’s automatically a race thing somehow. Honestly I really think this had less to do with any fucking nonsense regarding some sort of racial commentary as much as Bendis wanking Luke’s dick as hard as he could against someone who’s supposed to be tremendously smart and show that Luke’s “smarts” can still shine brighter. If I had to guess.

    There’s a flash to how other heroes not participating are watching and listening with great interest. And if I were the Cinemasins guy I’d blast all of those panels for super laziness and curiosity of how the news got those shots. I honestly really hate it when blatantly bullshit panels are lifted from other pages and just shoved into another panel.

    So Avengers vs. X-Men, Marvel was trying to address a complaint about how their comics need to stop pulling this Big Event shit every seven months that their comics are either fight fests or story dialogue heavy and is usually very uneven making some issues inherently harder to read or feel the need to buy. Some buyers wanted to see the punch out and felt the story was awful and others just gave zero shits about side characters getting into fights and breaking up the main story. However, Marvel did note that side series sold well that allowed both sides to be catered to. Those who wanted fights could see fights and those who wanted story could still see the fights but the main event wouldn’t be broken up. In this, Marvel decided to double down on the tie-in practice and created AvX, a comic that literally was about side fights and that’s it. This series decided to not do that, and so we’ve been “treated” to ones like the Strange/X-Men fight or the Blue Marvel/Luke Cage+Nova fight, but the oddest two were probably the Captain America/Magick fight and the Spider-Man/Venom fight. The Captain America fight was basically Cap saying he didn’t want to fight Magick, then quickly and bizarrely backed it up as it not being a “boy-girl thing,” to everybody’s confusion including Magick’s. Why the fuck did that matter? Did he think Magick was going to take it as some sexist shit? Did he feel like he needed to defend himself and it really WAS some sexist shit? Why not just say, “We’re fucking heroes, why the fuck do we fight one another? Fuck this shit.” So Magick just teleports him away and then gets smacked in the head by an arrow from Kate Bishop who must’ve somehow magically recovered from the implied ass pounding Aurora handed her. Truly one of the most confusing parts of the whole fight. Seriously, it’s so disarming. It would be like me fighting my pal Na and saying, “I don’t want to fight you,” then quickly qualifying it with, “It’s not like a race thing or anything like that. It isn’t because you’re black.” How should he take that? That I secretly wonder about him being black or that I think he would think it’s because of that? And then after that the guy down the street who was beaten by another person pelted me in the head with a baseball out of nowhere.





    The other fight was the Spider-Man/Venom fight and it’s really just like the first fight. And before I go any further I should note this is just a big of a problem with Bendis dialogue as it is the concept of Venom giving a shit one bit. So here’s the laydown of the fight: Venom sees a Spider-Man and wants a piece because he’s Venom and like the British he wants to fight the France that is Spider-Man. Either way, he quickly realizes it’s not “his” Spider-Man (Peter Parker) and then goes full in on how he feels it’s a huge disrespect for Miles to cop Spidey’s image and style. Even setting aside the idea that Venom doesn’t bypass Miles’ senses, it’s like we don’t understand Venom as a villain unless he’s also somehow “extra bad,” or even why the fuck he cares. Isn't he a Guardian now and is trying to aspire to heroism? Would Venom mock him for being a pale imitation of Spider-Man? Sure, I have to imagine he would. Would Venom try to humiliate him in service of that ideal? Yeah, I could see it because Venom likes to beat up and belittle people sometimes. Would Venom really care that anybody else is Spider-Man and it somehow disrespects the long and established history of Peter Parker? When the fuck did he become that? I get some characters would do that, but Venom just isn’t one of them and I have zero fucking clue why Bendis thought he would care. Venom doesn’t behave this way and it’s confusing as all hell he would. And you know how we know he doesn’t? One other time Venom fought someone who was basically "knock off Spider-Man," because he actually WAS a cloned Spider-Man named Scarlet Spider who was basically going around AS Spider-Man. Venom just didn't really care. And in this comic it’s heavily implied that the symbiote is making the choices and calls here. So why the fuck is Venom behaving this way? Normally I would argue against it but in this case? It’s justified because Bendis can’t write characters that aren’t one-dimensional obvious caricatures of nonsense half the time. And doubly so that this is a pet character of his who ragdolls Venom. Somehow.




    Then we cut to Cap fighting Peter Quill who asks what he’s doing there, but is quickly cut off by Iron Man who’s also asking what the heck is going on. Then Quill says he’s confused because he’s just supporting a friend who he thought Stark and Cap were friends with as well. And while it’s all cleared up that Quill was somehow given full knowledge he also reveals he’s cool with a crime predicting Inhuman COMPLETELY FORGETTING THAT SOMETHING LIKE THIS IN THE HANDS OF THE KREE WOULD HAVE HIS ASS IMPRISONED. But before anybody can question anymore we gotta institute some more action, so the Inhumans arrive. You know. “Those people.” And it’s super funny when Stark again confuses what the hell one side did to the other when his building was destroyed by the Inhumans when he equated his kidnapping with their invited intervention. Were the Inhumans right to crash their home? Nah, but it doesn’t mean what Stark did was right or whatever.

    But even before we can get some more action? It’s about… What… Three issues before the end of the event? And Ulysses has only had one power change? Time to change that again. Sorta, it’s a hint of what’s to come when his body starts to come apart or whatever it looks like he’s doing.

    QUICK BREAK BACK TO THE ACTION!! So anybody who has read comics, and especially Marvel, for a long time remembers an instance where the Black Panther put the Silver Surfer into a headlock. I’m going to go ahead and assume Bendis might’ve seen that and assumed it was an actual superpower of the Black Panther’s because he does that to Iron Man of all people. How the fuck he locks IM into a headlock I’ll never know because it wouldn't work on an armor the same way it somehow did on the Surfer, but that’s not the last of the stupidity here. BP asks Stark to surrender and Captain Marvel comes out of nowhere, tells BP Stark is hers and then begins to fucking pound on him while telling him to surrender. He says, “Ow,” she says, “Last Chance,” he tells her to hold on, she sorta does, he says he’s getting weird readings and she just backhands his helmet hard. And then Ulysses shows up to the fight with his finger tendrils somehow restraining people.

    WHAT?

    The groups find themselves somewhere dark and what looks snowy at first and the weirdest art shit happens: Stark has his full helmet before the vision, has half his helmet for two panels, and then suddenly has a complete armor with some form of wings going on the VERY NEXT FUCKING PANEL. Jesus Christ, does nobody fucking check for SAME PAGE CONTINUITY? I get the armor sort of repairs itself, but this is on a ridiculous bend.


    Literally one panel beneath the other. No manipulations.


    Doesn’t matter. Here’s the whammy: Spider-Man II is holding a dead Captain America with a stake of some sort through Cap’s heart. Steve Cap I should add. And if ANYBODY thought this is what really happened then they haven’t graduated comic book kindergarten because they haven’t recognized that Ulysses’ power is visions of the future. Ms. Marvel runs up to Spidey who is understandably shook and disheartened and tells him how it’s okay and it’s not going to happen, and Spidey is pretty unsure of his own future and basically asks, “How do you know?” to which she says she just does. And then Carol thinks the best way to end the issue is to try and place Spider-Man under arrest for the future murder of Captain America. Because there’s no fucking way the side that SHOWED UP TO FIGHT THIS VERY THING is going to be cool, understanding, and let that slide. Can only end well, right?




    This really looks like it could be solved with bedposts just not being around the State Capitol Building.



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