lol I actually don't think the CB section has a quota to meet. But I do enjoy posting crap here.
And you guys seem to think I'm just going to get all mad and go off on stuff like character wanking and such. Is this what you guys think of me? I want to talk about other stuff, too. Maybe I should have called it "MAK Talks."
But since you guys just want to see what I hate. ( ) I'm going full bore with this one then.
Everybody has a short list of writers they enjoy. Names which upon when seeing them, they will snatch up their works because they know they will be pleased with the product. This jagoff is on the opposite list. He's on the list of creators I avoid like guys who dress up in white hoods and burn crosses. This man is one of -the- worst writers out there. Allow me to regrettably introduce you to....
Brian Michael Bendis
This sack of crap lives to make my life miserable as a comic book fan. Quick, name five stories he did that I thought were at least sort ofgood:
Secret War (not the cosmic one)
FUCK I'M OUT
The truth is, this crapshack writes HUNDREDS of comic books for Marvel. Notable are Avengers Disassembled, Ultimate Spider-Man, Alias, Ultimate Fantastic Four, New AND Mighty Avengers, Siege, Age of Ultron, Spider-Woman, House of M, Moon Knight (in 2011, ruining a perfectly good comic), and on and on. What do all of them have in common? They all suck balls. People act as if this guy is some sort of mystical writing guru, and every last bit of his drivel twists characters in ways they would never be, build up to plot lines which fall absolutely flat on their face, and actively bastardizes other people's work by flat out negating anything they wrote before and actively admitting he never read their work in the first place because it was "unneeded" for his perverted vision.
Now before I go too far: Bendis does well with noir and gritty street crime characters. Daredevil flourished under him and Powers became a semi big comic book for Icon and was a pretty decent read. What that doesn't mean is it translates well to more mainstream superhero comics.
Let's completely ignore Avenger's Disassembled and go right to New Avengers, the first Avengers team after AD. The Avengers are a force which takes on threats no individual hero can (normally) take on alone. Loki? Too much. Thanos? Too much. Korvac? Too much. This is what the Avengers do. So what does Bendis do? He makes sure the most powerful member of his initial team is fucking Iron Man. Iron "I bench press 80 tons unless I'm going to ruin my armor and I shoot lasers which barely make Thor flinch" Man. Next strongest member? Luke Cage. Luke "I'm half as fucking strong as Iron Man with 1/18th of his intellect and usefulness" Cage. Team them up with Captain America, Jessica Drew (Bendis' favorite) Spider-Woman, Wolverine and Spider-Man. These fuckers couldn't fight off a minor Kree invasion. So what's their first mission? Well, to find a new teammate that validates this team isn't less effective than the Great Lakes Avengers by going to a prison breakout which is singlehandedly stopped by a then-obscure character, the Sentry. As in the most powerful character in Marvel barring the likes of the Living Tribunal. So that's great. Threats to Avengers should be absolutely no problem for the Sentry, and threats to the Sentry should ensure reality obliteration for the rest of the Avengers. Nice fucking balance you bald cocksucker. Oh shit, I forgot they also got a new member to help: Ronin, a fucking ninja who can't hear shit. Also, I wanted to add that Bendis goes ahead and fucks up all of Paul Jenkin's work on the Sentry's personality and permanently assures that the Sentry has no usable future as a functional hero. That's fine, because another Bendis gem House of M conveniently takes place of reality and sweeps under the rug all the bullshit Bendis put into place for now.
But fuck House of M, I'm not done talking about how he fucking ruins the Avengers.
HoM is over, Civil War has wrought the heroes in two sides and the fallout means there are now TWO teams of Avengers: The New Avengers who are anti-registration and Mighty Avengers who are government sponsored. Both written by Bendis, a man who has already proven he couldn't handle a team if he had specific instructions how to do so. So first up, who's on Mighty Avengers? A slightly better lineup. Iron Man is there, the Black Wido, Wonder Man, Wasp, Ares (because every team needs a ninja ), Ms. Marvel, Spider-Woman again, and the Sentry (because once more, instability makes for good representation). Their first enemy? Ultron. That's not bad choice, I personally love Ultron. He hates humans and wants to eradi...what the fuck is that? Ultron somehow took over Iron Man and decided to take the naked form of the Wasp, allowing Cho to do what he does best? Why is Ultron a human? Why is Ultron both a human and talking about eradicating humans? Why is Ultron trying to reason with the Sentry who is WAILING on him for killing the Sentry's wife? Why do they keep giving books to Bendis?
Well, at least New Avengers can't be that bad. Luke Cage, Spider-Man (back in the black "I hit my wife with this look" suit), Hawkeye (but in the Ronin guise and using swords), and Iron Fist. At least they're focusing this team to helping out the people and street level problems. I take that back, I forgot one more member: Doctor Strange, the fucking Sorcerer Supreme and possibly one of the few people who could ever contend with the Sentry...maybe...I'm not sure. So once again we get a team who would run into problems Strange could wiggle his nose out of the universe, or problems which Strange struggles with and the rest of the team would shit their pants while being cosmic dimensional raped because they would be hilariously out of their league. "By the elusive Ikkon! Dormammu has come forward! Quick, Avengers, to the battlefront!" and Strange would turn around to see what amounts to piles of ash on the ground. But don't worry. Bendis goes ahead and evens the playing field for Strange and makes sure he completely ignores any mystical defenses Strange has and lets him get stabbed in the back by a ninja while the Avengers are invading a ninja hangout. I guess Strange assumes his title is all he needs to protect him from the Hand ninjas who are trained to kill efficiently and on sight. "No need to prepare, gais. Don't they know I literally fought off a mostrosity we couldn't possibly comprehend who can eat reality itself? Ninjas are no pro-ACK!!" That's not all the fuckery he gets to with Strange either.
Doctor Strange loses the title of the Sorcerer Supreme after World War Hulk. Why? Well because he used black magic, that's why. "Wait. I'm pretty sure Strange has used it before several times, and was even purified of it once because of it's corruptive effects. Wasn't there also a purely black magic using Sorcerer Supreme?" For your efforts you get Bendis' beyond fucking annoying laugh and blinding skull shine because fuck you. He doesn't care. HIS system of Sorcerer Suprememing operates completely different. Also that selection process? FUCK YOU TOO. The Eye of Agamotto, a tool literally given to the Sorcerer Supreme now apparently has always chosen the Sorcerer Supreme, and not the Vishanit or any mandated contest or being the most powerful sorcerer. You know, the way it has been for the past fifty fucking years. Fuck that, the eye chooses. So let's get this straight: No more black magic, and the eye chooses a new SS. So does he choose the second most powerful sorcerer? Nope. Anybody who has ever come close to dealing with the scale the SS operates on? Bendis farts in your general direction for asking that. No. It picks a fucking Voodoo practitioner. Because while some ambiguously described black magic is bad, outright stated black magic is good. Brother Voodoo digivolves to Doctor Voodoo (putting his fucking psychology degree on a pedestal now for some reason), and immediately goes and closes Dormammu off "forever" and effortlessly. Because while Voodoo was nowhere near Strange's level, the Vishanti are apparently lovers of the black cock (much like Bendis apparently with his Luke Cage love) and gave him way more power for that one task.
So at least Bendis is done with the magi...fuck. Magic is now different and Agamotto wants his eye back? How will we ever get a new Sorcerer Supreme? WHO WILL CHOOSE IT FOR US? So Agamotto comes back and states magic is all fucked up all over and needs his literal eye back to fight. Ignore the fact Iron Fist got a sweet white costume from this guy who was masquerading as the Ancient One and kicks the fuck out of Voodoo because the Ancient One simply claimed Voodoo stole it from him. Normally Fist is all calm and contemplative, but I forgot he's fucking racist. Because the only thing that must be going through his head to not even ATTEMPT to get the other side is, "You're fucking right, you old white guy. The only way a black person could have ever attained such an enlightened and honorary position is if he STOLE it. Black people aren't smart or qualified enough." Eventually Voodoo and Strange explain it and then we get a new revelation: They can challenge Agamotto for his Eye in some sort of honorable combat. Well fuck. Good thing. I mean, it's his eye and he can ass rape Dormammu and his sister Umar at the same time and he should just be able to magic it out of Voodoo's hand, but he's bound by the laws of magic he just got done explaining no longer exist. (Wait...) So as Voodoo gets apprehensive, a loophole comes to light: Voodoo can pick his champion. This means I could've taken the amulet if I just made sure I brought Galactus to fight for me. Way to earn it. So of course everybody is thinking of combining their power to Voodoo or Strange, right? Wrong. Wolverine is better at fighting gods he has no clue as to how they function and barely have heard their names before. Far more qualified than the people who basically use these gods to brush their teeth. Makes sense, Wolverine will just go in there and stab a god who can just turn into gas or whatever the fuck he wants. Whatever.
The point is: Bendis is the worst. He's not literally THE worst comic writer out there, he's just the worst who currently gets all sorts of acclaim and awards he really doesn't deserve. The guy has pictures of people high up, because this guy is just fucking awful.
I'd say Bendis could blow me, but he'd find a way to fuck that up and make it non-enjoyable in the name of "creative identity."